Brainstorming what to do if someone isn’t listening to me (they heard me, but they’re not listening).
- How do I convince them / make them pay attention / make them listen?
- Is it a sign that I shouldn’t be bothering them with something unimportant (either dropping it completely, or asking someone else)?
- Maybe they’re very busy. How do I make it easy for them to listen to me?
- …
I’m sorry, what were you saying?
Each of your bullets has a different thrust/response.
Taking the last first, and assuming you want a ratification/go-ahead, as opposed to engaging in a strategy-type session: my recommendation is don’t start with millions of details, your entire thought process, etc. Give them the situation, your recommendation and perhaps indicate that you’re happy to get into more details if they want.
Contrast that with “So, I was thinking that we don’t get enough iron and vitamin C in our diets, according to this study I was reading about. And I know you don’t like squash or produce with the letter Q in the name, so I started doing a lot of research about how to address that conflict; please see these links. Then, I was remembering that it was time to re-register the frammich and we can only do that by mail, so I was thinking about stopping by the post office because stamps went up to $0.44 and we have a lot of $0.41 stamps still, so I need to buy some 1c stamps. But then we need 3c, so maybe I should buy 2c and 1c stamps and just use 2 additional stamps instead of 3. That trip will take me in the opposite direction from the supermarket on the way home, so I won’t be able to go food shopping. To avoid us getting scurvy, I was hoping to ask you to stop by the supermarket and buy some oranges and broccoli for dinner tonight. I already do a lot of things for this family, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you hit the grocery tonight. Is that OK?”
As opposed to, “Could you stop by the supermarket on the way home? I’ll email you the short list of things I need.”
On the second point, that could be the case, but that’s so case-by-case.
The first point is either hardest or easiest to address directly. It’s either a consequence of making it too hard to listen to you (#3) or not being essential to them (#2), or it’s a case of people being distracted and needing a quick shake. “Hey, this is important. Please give me 5 minutes of undivided attention.” Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of being aligned with other people on what’s important. I can listen with half an ear and my back turned to some conversations and get by. Others I need to be in a butterfly-free sound-isolated room so I can pay attention. Helping me figure out which is which by being explicit about it is appropriate in some cases.
tl;dr: It depends. Don’t be wordy to no productive end.
Excellent question. Are you:
a) venting? if so, I completely sympathize.
b) introspecting? if so, I know you’ll get over it soon enough.
c) truly asking for advice, and if so, do you really intend to accept it and give it a try? if so, you’ll need to make that clear.
it’s not about you. to get someone to listen to you, you have to catch their interest, attention and desire, all of which are entirely dependent on them and their current preoccupations.
So, if (c), you have to decide whether you want to:
(1) compete with their preoccupations (not usually recommended unless your socks are on fire and they are stepping on the only firehose);
(2) harness their obsession with their preoccupations by acknowledging them and redirecting them to your particular situation somehow (i.e., segway tactfully);
(3) acknowledge the offending behaviour and ask when would be a better time to discuss; or
(4) laugh it off and post the question on your blog instead where you know you can count on (at least some) of your friends to spend 30 minutes to help you find the path that’s right for you.
Send an e-mail (short) or make an appointment?
@Manu: Hmmm… I need a word that implies voice/email/etc.
@Crammer & Kramer: (You two confuse my wife BTW).
* Thank you for the advice. I’ve thought of many of these… the difficulty is which to use in what circumstance… I need to re-read these and think for another few months :-)