A number of people in my life say things like:
<unhappy>When you do something you remind me of some unliked person.</unhappy>
Unliked-person is usually an ex-spouse, ex-SO, ex-friend, or sometimes just a good old-fashioned enemy. Unhappy-person normally asks, either explicitly or implicitly, that I not do the behaviour in question.
My standard retort to this used to be along the lines of:
<tired>Unliked-person also breathes oxygen. Should I stop that too?</tired>
Of course, this leads nowhere. Unhappy-person is so… vexed… by unliked-person that they feel it’s their right to never be reminded of them again. Besides… no one ever likes my analogies anyway… this isn’t an analogy… it’s an extension of crappy logic… but irrational people lump it into the same bucket. Bah.
Lately, though, I’ve come to realize that:
- There are a lot of unhappy-people in the world. They’re not unhappy all the time. This unhappiness just has some trip-wires that I occasionally bumble into.
- These unhappy-people each have one or more unliked-people.
- These unliked-people each have one or more don’t-remind-me traits.
In the end, this adds up to a lot of different things that I’m not supposed to do around different people to remind them of other different people.
So, now instead of attacking illogic with illogic, I propose one of the following solutions (yeah, yeah, yeah… I know… these are probably just as illogical):
- If I stop doing all of the things that reminds unhappy-people of unliked-people, I’ll have very little or no personality left. So stop asking me to. If you don’t, I’ll simply end the conversation or find some other form of retaliation.
- Present me a list of traits, in writing, that I’m not supposed to exhibit in your presence. Accept the fact that no matter how hard I try I may sometimes [have to] exhibit one or more of these traits. If you omit one of the traits from your list, I get a free will-not-grump-at-you pass the first time I exhibit the trait. You add the trait to the written list, and we’ll merrily continue on with life, basking in the glow of slow progress.
Why avoid confontation? I propose these other options (just as illogical, probably riskier, but hopefully more constructive than the equivalent of salt on a wound):
3. Acknowledge their sadness/remorse/anger/feeling-of-injustice/whatever-is-making-them-unhappy and give them an opportunity to talk about it and get over it in a trusting/supportive kinda way; or
4. Tell them smartly to get over it already.
Either way (supportive or shock therapy) will accelerate the darwinian process. Works great provided there aren’t any political interests involved… in which case remind yourself of the bigger goal.