Random Traffic Through Nick's Brain

In response to the comments in the Bad Parenting entry, I was going to write this up as an actual code loop…

while (X.IsCrying) {
	// Check for immediate environmental issues
	if (X.IsInPain) {
		// ...
	} else if (X.IsHot) {
		// ...
	}
}

… but getting the formatting right is too much of a pain. Besides, it may make sense to a computer, but it’s a lot easier to read if I just use a bulleted list.

The main thing to remember about getting X to stop crying is that it is a loop. There may be more than one thing ‘wrong’ with X, or correcting something my unleash another reason to cry.

1. Pain / Hot / Cold? Check immediate environmental factors and fix them. So far we’ve been lucky: he’s only been cold once. A night, if he Houdini’s himself out of his swaddling he’s fussy until we tuck his limbs back in.
2. Hungry? Feed him. Lately he’s at the stage where he can delay hunger gratification for a bit (or, we’re better at recognizing hunger signs early).
3. Gassy? Burp him. This may take time and many different burping positions (shoulder, sitting up, over knee).
4. Poopy? Change him (he tends to go easier in a clean diaper). Massage stomach. Massage back. Bicycle legs. Tummy time. Sadly, I couldn’t come up with a better word than poopy.
5. Pacifier? Give him one. It may take up to 30 seconds before he calms down enough to accept it. Mind you, he rarely cares for a pacifier and lately it doesn’t even keep him quiet as we warm up milk.
6. Understimulated? Play with him. Put on some music. Give him some play time in his crib or with his Gymini. He’s now at the stage where he really enjoys playing in his Gymini and can stay there up to a ½ hour, contentedly flailing, kicking, and cooing. Make faces at him. Talk to him. Rattle toys in front of him. Have him ‘stand up’ and ‘dance’. ‘Roughhouse’ with him. Exercise him or exercise with him. Put him in his bumbo and let him watch you doing an interesting task. Put him in his bumbo and turn on the TV.
7. Needs movement? Walk with him. Carry him. Bounce him. Dance while holding him. Put him in his sling. Put him in his car seat. Go for a drive with him. Put him in his stroller. Put him in his vibrating / bouncing / musical chair.
8. Overstimulated? Sadly, this can easily be confused with understimulated. Remove as much stimulus as possible. Cocoon him. Swaddle him. Turn down the lights. Put on some calm music. Talk or sing softly to him. Go through a lot of the items in the previous step.

After all other crying remediation strategies failed, Lex is now parked in his bumbo, on the coffee table, watching, bopping to, and cooing at a TiVo’d episode of The Simpsons. On one hand, I feel bad about this. On the other hand, he’s no longer crying.

Update: That lasted all of 12 minutes… now what?

Remember in elementary school, those diagrams of overlapping circles? I feel that parenting is like that. There’s that place where all the circles overlap… when it comes to raising our child[ren] there’s a core set of values we all agree on… we being the friends and family Dina and I choose to hang around with.

It’s the places where the circles don’t overlap that cause problems.

There are things that Dina and I don’t agree on. When they occur, I think we’ve both been good at temporarily scaling our behaviour back to not do what bothers the other person, discussing it, and then proceeding with our new, agreed upon behaviour. Our circles of what we think is acceptable may not coincide, but our circles of behaviours are now subsets of what is acceptable.

There are things that our friends do to / with Alex that we’re unhappy with. For those people who listen to constructive criticism (alternately, for those people who accept that when it comes to Alex, what we say goes), there isn’t a problem. The same behaviour modification that Dina and I do with each other comes into play.

For those people that are unwilling to modify their behaviour, various forms of coping come into play. In some cases, it’s small enough that we just grin and bear it. In other’s we don’t put Alex into a situation where these people can exhibit these behaviours… either by controlling their interactions with Alex, or by not letting them interact with Alex. We probably have other ways of dealing with this, but I can’t think of them right now.

The last case is the most problematic… or… at least… it’s what’s stuck in my craw right now. Some people have issues with the way “we” (i.e., “I”) treat Alex. I basically have to modify my behaviour so as not to make my friends and family uncomfortable, or I need to explain myself to them, which bothers me somewhat, since, after all, this is my kid / family… but I suppose I should just suck it up…

I’ve made a conscious choice to have Alex experience as much as possible. I want him to be an all-terrain baby, child, and adult, able to handle whatever life throws at him with aplomb. To some this looks like I’m treating Alex as a toy or plaything. To others it looks like I’m endangering him, or taking unnecessary risks. It sometimes looks like I’m teasing or tormenting him.

I assure you, I usually think about what I’m doing when it comes to Alex. I’m careful to assess both his and my own limitations. I try to be very aware of his cues (in fact, it bugs me when other people ‘ignore’ said cues, even though I realize they’re merely unaware of them). I’m not playing or taking unnecessary risks. We’re learning together and taking calculated risks for future rewards.

Let’s take some examples.

Some people insist on holding Alex, even after one of us has tried, as politely as possible to suggest that we would prefer that Alex stay where he is (or, we think Alex would prefer to stay where he is) because we think he’s overstimulated, or is content where he is. We’re not perfect… but we think we have a pretty good idea of when Alex is amenable to being held. From our point of view, repeatedly insisting that you want to hold the cute baby doesn’t indicate that you have Alex’s best interests in mind.

I splash water in Alex’s face. Sometimes he likes it. Sometimes he gets his quizzical / pensive look. He has yet to cry when I do this. I do this because Dina and I have noticed that he likes bath time, and, more interestingly, he likes having water sprayed on his face if done properly. I do this because, on average he seems to like it. I do this because it stimulates him (and I’m careful not to do it when I fear he’s becoming overstimulated). People yell at me when I do this (“Ni-ick!!!“) or tell me that I’m making them uncomfortable.

I guess a lot of these blog entries are going to be spent explaining my behaviour.

Alex… if you’re reading this when you’re older… remember… daddy did all those things to / with you to build character.