Random Traffic Through Nick's Brain

One of my less endearing traits: If I’m accused of something that I’m not already doing, I want to do it.

Let’s take an example. Recently, a friend accused me of being unsupportive. This despite me putting a lot of effort into being supportive of him during difficult times.

Part of me thinks things like:

If I’m going to be called unsupportive, I might as well get the ‘satisfaction’ of being unsupportive.

If my efforts aren’t being appreciated, why should I bother?

Damn, I’m a spiteful and petty bastard.

Part of me realizes that, despite doing my best to be supportive, it isn’t working. I’m doing it so badly my friend sees it as a negative. While I think my technique for being supportive might be valid, it’s not for this person. It’s the whole communication-is-a-two-way-street idea that I frequently think about. I’m doing him a disservice. Something has to change. Despite the fact that I think withdrawing what I deem to be support might seem petty and spiteful, it may, in fact, be the correct thing to do. Odd.

Mainly though, I need to learn to clamp down on these petty thoughts which might lead to petty behaviour. I strive to be open to feedback, and I should take it as it comes, even though I may disagree with it.

Realized while writing an email to a friend: I’m much more of a plan-ahead than sympathize-after kinda guy. Nothing conscious. Just the way I am. So the way I am, in fact, that it’s taken me a while to verbalize it.

I’m not saying that all things should be planned, I realize that you can’t plan everything, and even if you do, the best laid plans of mice and men… Just saying, if you need help planning, I’m your guy. If you ask for sympathy, well… you’ll have to bear with me while I practice… on you.

Meanwhile, I try to implement sympathy to the best of my abilities (I assume some would accuse me of faking it) until that side of my personality develops better.

Turf Wars

This happened a while ago, but it still bugs me.

The officers of a club asked me to give the web-site a much-needed face-lift. I emailed the club’s discussion list asking for feedback / suggestions. The feedback from that was frustrating. One luddite insisted that the site work with Netscape 4. Then he pointed to my site as proof that I wouldn’t design something that would work for his crappy-ass browser. I tried my best not to take this as an insult to my skills. A few other negative comments. Frustrating, but I mostly expected this.

Then someone I trusted piped up. He mentioned that I might be treading on the toes of the people who normally maintain the site. At this point, I threw in the towel, forgetting that I had a mandate for this, since I didn’t want to step on toes, and figuring that the maintainers would do the work. I even apologized in case I stepped on the maintainers toes… didn’t hear a peep back from them. This is why I no longer volunteer to help this club anymore.

Why does this still bug me? Because months later, nothing has been done to the site. Turf was being protected at the expense of getting things done. I hate that.

Being Nice While Other’s Aren’t

There’s a group trip coming up. In order to get a good room, Dina and I unabashedly played the pregnancy card. The good rooms provide definite benefits for Dina. If we didn’t have a good room, we’d probably not attend.

We were asked to share our room so more people could have good rooms. We reluctantly agreed both to be nice, and to increase our chances of getting a good room through the secretive room selection process. Then we found out that others declined to do so. Somehow that pissed me off.

Now we’d like to request that we not have to share either. But that would be hypocritical, and I refuse to do that. We feel bad even expressing the fact that we’d prefer not to share but would if necessary. A big part of me just wants cut off my nose to spite my face and bail on the trip, no matter how much we’d miss it.

Communication

Last week, I noted, separately, to two people that communication wasn’t working well between them. How did I know it wasn’t working well? A combination of observation and them flat out telling me. What happened? The messenger was shot.

My bad. I got people defensive by not communicating well enough that no one was blaming anyone.

My bad. I need to learn that most people don’t want to be helped. They just want to be told that things are going well… and that more importantly, they are doing well. Alternately, I need to learn how to help people so they don’t get pissy.

My bad. I need to learn that most people have a view of reality and don’t like that view challenged. Alternately, I need to learn how to perturb people’s perception of reality without scaring them.

Please take time to assuage my curiousity and fill in the Interactive Johari Window and the Interactive Nohari Window. A what-do-people-think-about-you vs. what-you-think-about-yourself test.

I’m a bit dismayed about the fact that you can’t select more qualities.

CraigsList Sales

Sold some unused ski tickets on CraigsList. Second time we’ve sold something on CL. It’s an interesting experience. Meeting people with one item in common, the item for sale leads to some odd 2-5 minute conversations.

The latest one started with the woman asking me how to know the tickets were real. A thought that never crossed my mind. She told me about her young kids, family going skiing in North Conway. I told her how we got the tickets and didn’t go skiing with them. We talked about the ski weather and how bad it was this season. Then she said, “Bye dear” and left. The “dear” seemed odd, since I suspect she was only about 5-10 years older than I am.

Just seems like an odd snippet of human interaction.

Pain

The back pain this week was interesting. Almost educational. Made me realize what I take for granted. Made me think about the limits of my body which I’d never really pushed before. Forced me to push through pain like I haven’t before in order to get simple, necessary things done.

Made me more aware of my body and of the things it does automatically. The fact that sneezing hurt was fascinating to me. Observing my body, almost in slow motion, as I adjusted automatically to catch something that was falling was very, very educational. Reflexes kicked in. As they did, I realized it was going to hurt. No time to stop it though. It was still going to hurt, but it would be manageable… and I’d still be able to catch what was dropping.

Figuring out the right and wrong combinations of moves to get out of bed in the morning was a fascinating puzzle. Especially as the allowed moves changed each day.

Did another run today: Bradford Valentine Run. The doctor said that if I could touch my toes it meant my back was in good enough shape to run.

Time: 48:30 (from gun to crossing the finish line). Net time (from crossing start line to crossing finish line), unsure, since they didn’t track that. I’m estimating about 47:00. Easily beat my goal of a 10-minute mile pace. Woohoo!

• It was quite hilly. I was hurting around mile 3.
• Unlike the NYC run, the only marker was spray paint on the ground at mile 4. Made pacing difficult.
• The cold was a bit of an issue, mainly in what clothes I needed to wear.
• If I’m going to do more winter runs I need running pants.

Our cable was on the fritz. Anyone TiVo or tape it?

Update 2006-02-08 11:03: Our TiVo died after last night’s power outage. Gah! Looks like we may also need this Monday’s if we can’t actually watch it.

I’ve managed to throw out my back.

I was even looking forward to dancing tonight. I’m bummed because tonight is the last night of dancing before class starts. We go from 7 club tips down to 3 next week.

I’m blaming the pilates class on Friday.

OK… OK… OK… I’m really blaming myself.

Update Amazing the things you take for granted… like…

• Being able to get out of bed.
• Being able to go to the bathroom.
• Being able to put on socks.

I fear growing old.

Update 2006-02-07 15:12: Walking, stairs, or even lightly jogging isn’t painful. Standing for a period of time is. Sitting down is downright painful. Lying down is OK. Quite odd all in all.

Update 2006-02-08 07:44: It gets better in the evening as my muscles stretch out. It’s back to excruciating in the morning.

Update 2006-02-09 10:33: Saw the doctor yesterday. It’s the standard thrown back, not anything worse. It’s less excruciating today, but there’s more of an overall dull ache everywhere. Sitting is still hard.

Update 2006-02-09 23:21: Sneezing hurts like a mofo. Similarly, on Tuesday I was helping Dina in the kitchen, carrying stuff to the living room. Something started slipping. My body automatically shifted to rebalance. Ouch.

I wonder if I’d get a discount on the price of a pedicure.

The Nick&Dina world around Nick&Dina (and soon Alex). I totally understand that the rest of the world’s world doesn’t revolve around us. It revolves around other things. Yes, yes, yes, the world already knows this.

Still, some examples:

Pregnancy & Alcohol

We know few drinks won’t kill either Dina or Alex. Dina will have a some wine or beer when she feels like it. The thing is, she rarely does feel like it. Plus he smell of hard alcohol turns her nose. She chooses not to drink, both consciously and by listening to what her body’s telling her.

We understand that you think differently. Many of you have told us that we’re bing silly, trendy, over-protective, and paranoid. Some of you do it almost every time you notice Dina not drinking. Thank you for collectively beating it into us.

Please don’t be offended if we don’t bother to argue with you and just ignore you.

Time To Eat

Lately, we get really cranky if we don’t eat when it’s time for us to eat (i.e., when our bodies tell us to). I’m especially vigilant with this with respect to Dina. Once she’s crashed and burned, it’s hard to get her functioning again. I have no qualms about interrupting what she’s doing and suggesting it continue somewhere she can get or eat food. This includes conversations with her. Hopefully you won’t be offended by this and will be accommodating. Unfortunately, if you are not, we’re not going to accommodate you either. She just plain needs to eat.

Gatherings, Change

I’ve blogged about who’s invited, social dynamics, social politics, inclusion, exclusion, etc. in the past. Suffice to say, edges are going to be harder now that a lot of our energy is diverted elsewhere. Sometimes you’ll be invited, sometimes you won’t. We don’t always have space, energy, time, or money for everyone.

We have a better chance of seeing people that we both like, and who like both of us. One of the joys of being a couple. We’ll also deal better with people who can deal with our odd newfound quirks, like Dina skipping alcohol or needing to eat while talking to you. When Alex comes along, the same rule will be extended. If you don’t like Alex, or Alex doesn’t like you, there’s less of a chance that we’ll have the time or opportunity to see you.

This cuts both ways. We have people / acquaintances / friends that don’t have time for us. There are people we’d like to get to know better but one of us (usually me) rubs them the wrong way. So they avoid us. We’re saddened by this, but accept it as a fact of life.

When the pregnancy started I was all set to blog about all the cool, weird, and new things that were happening to us.

As it turns out, I’m more fascinated than I thought I’d be by the process… but I don’t feel like writing about it.

• Some if it feels too personal.
• Some things are just too difficult to explain why they are interesting.
• If you or your SO has been pregnant before, this is probably all old hat (not that everything else written here isn’t).
• If you or your SO hasn’t been pregnant before, this probably won’t make much sense.

Ran 8M in 83 minutes. Home, Charles, Longfellow, Harvard Foot Bridge, home. Didn’t stop running (except for traffic lights).

Exhibit A: Valentine’s Day

If you’re going to buy me a Valentine’s Day card, can you buy one for me to give to you too?

Exhibit B: This Is A Date?

We received a form letter in the mail from our car dealership. They were looking to buy 2000 Chevy Prizms. Curious to see how much we could get for it, we trudged over to our trusty mechanic, had him fix the check engine light, and then drove to the dealership.

At first they thought we were there to pick up a car. When we waved the letter at them they suddenly seemed very happy. We verified that we didn’t have to trade the car in, that we could just sell it to them without buying another car.

Our salesman, let’s call him Joe, asked us what kind of car we wanted. We decided to let him show us a Honda CR-V. We took it for a quick test drive out Rt. 2. I’m a bit disappointed that we didn’t put it through it’s paces a bit more. Seriously, the ABS didn’t even kick in. We didn’t even come close to rolling the thing over.

Then we get back in, and the negotiation over price. Dina is loving it. I’m bored. The starting point: $24,300 – $300 = $24,000. $5,000 downpayment. $1,250 for our trade-in. $536 a month. Up to this point, I’m following along.

Then we start negotiating. First Joe makes sure we can afford the deposit. OK. Then things start going weird… we start negotiating on payment. Really?

Dina is enjoying this. It’s a pure number negotiation. Every time Joe gets up to get new numbers from his boss Dina can barely contain her laughter. “Dance monkey, dance” is her preferred phrase.

I keep trying to force the discussion back to actual price, claiming I’m not good at math. Joe reassures me that even people with math degrees can’t figure out actual price from payments or vice-versa. I take out my Treo and start putting my math degree to work. Sidenote: I’m surprised that these salespeople fall for my I-can’t-do-math act. I can’t be that good an actor.

Anyway, we get the payments down to $340.32. The price has moved from $24,000 to $22,793. The value of our trade-in goes from $1,250 to $1,800. Less than 10% off the initial price.

Dina and I beg out of the negotiations, we need to sleep on it. I’m dumbfounded. Is this how car negotiations happen???

Dina and I had lotsa fun together… odd what one considers a date with a kid on the way.