Random Traffic Through Nick's Brain

Follow up on the Sharing post.

This has been taking up some brain space over the last few days. Thankfully, it’s more of my problem-solving background thinking, as opposed to consistent fretting or broodingly obsessing as I am sometimes prone to.

This one isn’t as dark or heavy as the previous one. Examining some practical and philosophical issues about the problem and then replying to the comments from the last post.

Volunteering

The fact that I got told to call back, twice, has stuck with me. That seems very sad and wrong to me. The fact that it still bothers me in this nagging little way bothers me. My brain is attuned to it. I’ve noticed a bunch of Samaritan billboards with phone numbers urging people to call if they need help, and, in smaller print at the bottom, urging people to volunteer.

I’m thinking I’ll look into that once things settle down with Alex. Maybe the right answer is to look into it now… OK… found their volunteer web page… sent them email requesting more information.

Outing Pete

Was discussing this with Dina on the way home on Wednesday. Pete is telling me a lot of this stuff in confidence. I decided to post it on my blog since:

• I’m not using his real name.
• He doesn’t read my blog.
• Few, if any, of our mutual friends from high school read my blog.
• I left out any identifying statements that he made.

Should I tell his other friends / acquaintances / relatives outright? Should I hint at them? Should I just not be careful about keeping confidence? Should I be very careful about keeping this private?

I think it should be kept private. It was told to me in confidence. I should respect that. From a practical point of view, if Pete gets mad at me for outing him, he may not have anyone to talk to. I have, should, and will lie, deceive, and deflect to protect his privacy. Unlike many other things that I’m conflicted about, I don’t feel an ounce of guilt about doing or feeling this. (For those I’ve not been completely honest with, apologies… but you’re not reading this anyway.)

Dina thinks it’s the same as, say, a drug addiction. People should be told, and an intervention can / should be staged. I’m still not sure I believe this point of view.

Maybe I think this because I don’t think the danger of suicide is proximate. I believe him when he says he’s planning for the future. Part of me is still unconvinced he’ll go through with it. Part of me hopes that, even if he would go through with it in his current mood, somehow said mood will improve before the future gets here.

Opinions welcome.

Replying To Comments

I want to answer some of the comments received in the original post here. Thank you to everyone for the support. It helped a lot. Surprisingly more than I would have thought. Guess that’s why I blog, eh?

For those of you going through something like this, you can talk to me if you want. Might help at least one of us. Also, calling the Samaritans was actually very helpful for me. Try it.

I’m working on getting Pete to get professional or volunteer help. The suggestions are ignored, or don’t go over well… as if it’s insulting to suggest that there might be something wrong with them.

Thank you Katie for the article… the article itself was useful, and it reminded me that the Internet is there as a resource. Sometimes for people-problems I tend to want to communicate directly with other people instead of reading up on the problem. Thank you for taking off my blinders.

Andy, yes, there are people that he cares about… but he doesn’t feel (rightly or wrongly, I’m not judging) that they care for him. Think, for example, of young nieces or nephews. Pete doesn’t think they’d miss him were he gone. Also, I think that there’s a slight martyr complex going on that colours this issue. For example, “My siblings care, but they don’t show it… so I’ll punish them by being generous while dieing”. Also, from my own thoughts, caring about people can be unfortunately asymmetric.

The meds logic is a good idea. I think I know what the person will say… something along the lines of not wanting to be f’d up in the meantime… but I’m going to try that one next time I have the chance.

These are arguments that would carry some weight with a rational person. The problem is that Pete isn’t a rational person; he’s someone suffering from serious depression. This means his brain isn’t working properly, so he can’t make good decisions.

You hit the nail on the head.

The frame of mind you’d have to be in to think [of suicide] is so alien to me as to be incomprehensible. It’s hard to figure out what to say to someone in that extreme a frame of mind.

That’s another thing I find difficult… with ‘rational’ friends, I already have problems putting myself in their shoes and empathizing with them (I sometimes tell Pete that he got the short straw when he got me as a friend to listen to him). With him… I’m frequently at a loss.

If Pete would find it useful to talk to someone who used to be suicidal, and is better now, my friend would be happy to talk to him. Or more accurately, if you could persuade Pete to try talking to a friend of a friend who has gone through something like what he’s going through.

Your hammer is getting darn accurate. I’ll float the idea when I get the chance… selling the idea… as you note, that’s the difficult part.

Hi Anon. Did you know that’s the most common name in the world (based on a search of the Internet)? Anyway… I’ve noticed the dichotomy of wanting things on their ‘record’ and caring about people. I haven’t figured out how to bring it up. I think part of it is that he’s afraid to die. Pete tends to be a contrarian… I’m worried that if I push him too much, I’ll end up backing him into a place where he justifies away all his fears and actually gets on with killing himself. Very worried in fact. Partly because… well… I’m worried about that… partly because that would make it my fault.

Crammer, see what I said to Anon about the record. Also, look at it this way. If getting help works, then he’ll want to be alive, but there’ll be a smirch on his record. Even from my point of view, this makes some twisted sense. I like the challenging him to challenge the shrinks… that sounds like fun… funnily, something I feel like I’d want to try (challenging the shrinks, not suicide) were I rich and bored. Taxes? He’s of the I-don’t-get-money-or-personal-finance mindset. Pointing out taxes or other government gouging will elicit a shrug, not get his blood boiling.

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