One of my less endearing traits: If I’m accused of something that I’m not already doing, I want to do it.
Let’s take an example. Recently, a friend accused me of being unsupportive. This despite me putting a lot of effort into being supportive of him during difficult times.
Part of me thinks things like:
If I’m going to be called unsupportive, I might as well get the ‘satisfaction’ of being unsupportive.
If my efforts aren’t being appreciated, why should I bother?
Damn, I’m a spiteful and petty bastard.
Part of me realizes that, despite doing my best to be supportive, it isn’t working. I’m doing it so badly my friend sees it as a negative. While I think my technique for being supportive might be valid, it’s not for this person. It’s the whole communication-is-a-two-way-street idea that I frequently think about. I’m doing him a disservice. Something has to change. Despite the fact that I think withdrawing what I deem to be support might seem petty and spiteful, it may, in fact, be the correct thing to do. Odd.
Mainly though, I need to learn to clamp down on these petty thoughts which might lead to petty behaviour. I strive to be open to feedback, and I should take it as it comes, even though I may disagree with it.
Sounds like perfectly normal behaviour to me (as in: the norm, what is most common, not necessarily representing what “should be”).
What I find admirable (and keeps me coming back to your site, despite the occasional rude comment from “crammer”) is that your random traffic is so genuine and fresh, the way it “should be” for so many who cannot find the words, the media or the courage to express themselves.
I think there are two competing higher-order principles at play in the struggle with this “if you’re going to do the time, might as well do the crime” behaviour, both revolving around helping the other person evolve:
1. the need to feel good by teaching the accuser a lesson, albeit in a passive-aggressive way.
2. the need to forgive the accuser of trespassing you and continue with your life mission.
The latter is more noble, but the former sure feels better (in the short term, anyway; in the long run it can be auto-destructive).
A recent two-way discussion with a close family member revealed the following to both of us: she needs to make her own decisions, and I need to make my own conclusions. Apparently she gets offended when I say “this is what I think you should do” and I get offended when she (or anybody) claims to know the truth (“this is how it is” or “this is the reason why”). Somehow this relates to this post but I can’t remember how. Oh well, if you can see the connection let me know so I can continue with this train of thought (or would it be unnecessary then, wouldn’t it. hmm.)
Crammer:
Hmmm… genuine and fresh. Interesting that you think so. From my point of view, it’s the same ol’ same ol’. Maybe I’m just too used to myself.
I think the thing that surprises me about this one is that giving into my pettiness may actually be the right thing for my friend and I. Maybe I’m just rationalizing.
I’m curious as to which family member you’re referring to. I think I have a good guess. I can see the connection to this post but can’t verbalize it. =[
Fresh in the sense that its refreshing to hear somebody talk so… personally.
Regardless of whether it is the right thing to do or not, it probably is the best thing.