Random Traffic Through Nick's Brain

I got a paper-cut from my paycheque. I’m not quite sure what that means.

People who send me 3 Excel files, each with 3 tabs, with only the first tab containing information.

So, I’ve started looking for another job. Things are going faster than I thought they would. I guess this is what happens when you’ve been complacent and comfortable. Change seems fast.

Anyway, onto the angsting, because I’m sure that’s what you’ve all been waiting to hear.

On bad days, I think things like:

• I hate my job / project. I’ve had hours, if not days, of staring blankly at my screen feeling depressed. I’ve wanted to quit many a time, and probably would have were it not for a sense of responsibility and wanting to finish what I started.
• I’ve handled a bad situation badly, compounding the problem. Had I kept my f-ing mouth shut, things might have been OK. But, to be fair to myself, that’s not how I try to work. I attempt to point out problems and, hopefully, eventually fix them. I try not to hide them, or hide behind them.
• I feel like I burned through all the goodwill and credibility I built up in my first 9 months here. I feel like I have no clout or karma left.
• The title inflation I was hoping for is pushed out at least a year, if not more.

On good days, I think things like:

• The company is doing well. Revenues are increasing. We’re ‘profitable’. We’re growing in leaps and bounds in some areas. There’s fun things in the pipeline.
• The project that’s making me unhappy is almost over (well, scheduled to be almost over… if it shits it’s diaper (my fault), I have to clean up after it).
• I like many of my teammates.

• There are interesting, if frustrating, problems to work on.

• Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I haven’t burned my bridges / karma / credibility. Dina doesn’t seem to think I have. On one hand, she’s biased. On the other hand, she’s talked to some of my friends here.

At times, I consider the credibility to be the crux of the issue. Am I just cutting off my nose to spite my face? Am I simply running from a failure? Or… am I resetting to a better place (zero) to make a new start? I don’t know.

Other times, I remember how empty and powerless I feel while I’m on the current project. I have no idea what to do on this project, and don’t really feel like I have anywhere to turn. Most of it is my fault, but there are times I get irrationally angry for being put in this situation to begin with. It is obviously outside my skillset. If I’m being put into this situation now, what other bad situations will I be put into?

<sigh /> I feel like I suck and can’t make a decision to save my life… or… at least my career.

… and yes… at some point, I have to figure out how to handle things better…

P.S. At some point, became less self-confident. When the fuck did that happen?

I’ve shown self-restraint of late. Wrote two long blog entries … … and sat on them. Then decided I shouldn’t post them after all. I think my blog goes through cycles in what I talk about and how I express myself. I think one cycle is coming to an end, and another is starting… What that means? I don’t know… from an external point of view, prolly the same ol’ same ol’.

Proof that God is, in fact, an iron, I was kissed on the forehead by the Pope when I was a kid. Dina maintains that this is why I lead a semi-charmed kind of life. Mind you, I want something else, to get me through this.

<grr /> Remapping the buttons on my new trackball also remaps the buttons on the laptop itself. That sucks.

Dina has a new job. Litigation attorney. Downtown. Starts Tuesday. Yeah!

I sent out a bunch of résumés today. Some for specific jobs that I know about, some old contacts, some old recruiters, and various recruiters that had cold-emailed me over the years. Next step is to get my résumé up on some job boards.

The reason Dina got a job, of course, is that we pre-celebrated on Monday night. We had a nice dinner date at Radius. We got there at 7 and left at midnight. Not bad at all. We shattered our record for most money spent on a dinner date, easily doubling it. The chefs menu was good (custom per table). We had wine pairings which were also quite nice. Add-ons of foie-gras and a cheese plate rounded out our epicurean extravaganza.

I keep typing noetpad or notepda whenever I want to launch NotePad. I need a feature that, if the file I type in isn’t found, attempts to anagram the letters I’ve used and launches the correct program.

I’m / we’re long past time for a change of some sort. It’s definitely time for a perturbation to sweep through our lives. Any suggestions? Anyone have some change that they’re not interested in?

Quicken just suggested “Mon Ami Gabi” as a scheduled transaction.