Nick Varacalli's Quotes Page

And eighth of a tonne? I knew him when he was 160. They grow up so fast.

Dina, September 2010 Link

Alex, you can't have beer until you're finished your time out!

Tired parents, May 2009 Link

M: I didn't wear a helmet rollerblading.
Nick: Yeah. Brain injuries are like chicken pox. Get one, and you're immune for life.

Nick, fool me once, April 2009 Link

Isn't Route 1 the highway that takes you past Swampscott and Slutty?

Us, hating again, September 2008 Link

He's Indian. Tech support, not casinos.

Jim, no Boujelais Nouveau this time, August 2008 Link

Coke doesn't stain. Besides, it was Coke Zero. It has no calories. It's calories that stain.

Nick. Post Coke-meets-floor explosion, August 3, 2008 Link

I didn't realize that the airport was so close to that American sticking up thing.

Margaryta. At Washington Reagan Airport, July 11, 2008 Link

Nick: Great Alex. That makes 2 people in the family that don't listen to me. I'm outnumbered.
Dina: So am I.

Nick & Dina. 2 sides to every story, June 23, 2008 Link

I'm keeping work separate from puking... this time.

Anon. I didn't sign up for mentoring myself, June 23, 2008 Link

Do you think his stuffed animals can go in the oven?

Dina. Carpet beetles or burning down the house, June 18, 2008 Link

Upon hearing that a friend's baby had to be turned before the due date Doesn't it take a level 5 cleric to turn a baby?

Nick. Even sadder... everyone around me laughed at the joke, May 28, 2008 Link

If it can't be drowned, I don't want to eat it.

Cole, explaining his eating habits in a seafood-eating town, May 27, 2008 Link

Cheater's mattress has a Zagat rating. It sometimes has a wait on a Saturday night.

Us, hating on behalf of a friend, April 26, 2008 Link

Poker Player 1: My husband owns a custom tool business.
Poker Player 2: What a coincidence... my husband sells tools.
Poker Player 3 (not wanting to be left out): Uhm... my boss is a tool...

Conversation around the poker table, April 18, 2008 Link

So, you know that in Dirty Dancing, Jean Grey falls in love with Patrick Stewart.

Dina, mixing actors, October 4, 2007 Link

I'm trying to extend a fig leaf here... olive branch, I mean.

Dina, mixing vegetation, June 10, 2007 Link

Dina: You, of all people, got kissed by the pope.
Matt: Did he give you tongue?
Nick: No, he kissed me on my forehead.

Matt, let's go there, February 23, 2007 Link

[Topic: What should we give up for Lent?]
Sarah: Patience.
Matt: Personal Grooming.
Dina: Tact.
Nick: Inhibitions.

Us, the letter, not the spirit of the law, February 23, 2007 Link

I was Englishing differently.

Nick, having semantic differences with Dina, January, 2007 Link

Nick: You could start a mommy-blog.
Dina: I'm not a blogger.
Nick: You should find some form of self-expression.
Dina: I whine.

Dina, telling it like it is, July, 2006 Link

That's awesome. He's totally looking at my boob.

Dina, it's different when it's your newborn, July, 2006 Link

All my fun parts hurt.

Dina, post partum, July, 2006 Link

Nick & Dina re-read this page
Dina: We are such a bunch of assholes.

Dina, realizing, June 15, 2006 Link

Person doesn't need a life coach... they need a life top.

Nick, pigeonholing, June 01, 2006 Link

Nick: I figure everyone'll bring BBQ and no one will bring breakfast.
Dina: I'd have BBQ for breakfast.

One of the many reasons I married Dina, May 21, 2006 Link

Dina: Inflatablle pool deaths are up this year.
Nick: Why?
Dina: I don't know. I didn't read the article. I'm assuming it's because people are stupid.

Dina, cynical or realistic?, May 21, 2006 Link

Nick: We should be very very thankful that we went to Egypt when we did [instead of going to the Lake Shore Farm Challenge square dance weekend].
Dina: Yes, I am... but why in particular?
Nick: Our kid coulda been called "Lake Shore Farm Varacalli". Or I guess, "Northwood" Varacalli.

Me, wondering where we go for our next 'vacation', March 3, 2006 Link

Stop it. You're turning me on and I'm trying to buy playpens here. Why don't you get me some Tums?

Dina, the time for that was last September, February 18, 2006 Link

Nick: Guess how many things there are on our baby shopping list with the word 'breast' in it?
Dina: My poor boobies... they used to be just for fun.

Us, the end of the world as we know it, February 18, 2006 Link

I'm carrying your child. It's your fault.

Dina, 1st time blaming Nick for the pregnancy, 22:52 EST, February 13, 2006 Link

Puzzle Solver 1: Reads puzzle clue Bad grade.
Puzzle Solver 2: F.
Nick: B.

Nick, went to a crappy school, January 14, 2006 Link

Dina: Your boys can swim!
Nick: Well, your girls can swim too!
Dina: She didn't really swim.
Nick: Fine. Your girl can float!
Dina: Well...
Nick: Well your girl can tread water.

Us, happy as we've ever been, October, 2005 Link

I wasn't vomiting any more than normal.

Dina, the joys of morning sickness, December, 2005 Link

I'd like to blame it on the hormones, but this is just me.

Dina, apologizing for mood swings, November, 2005 Link

Dina: My nipples could cut diamonds
Later, Dina's in obvious discomfort with her chest
Nick: Your nipples hard as rocks again?
Dina: I nearly ripped one off.

Dina, the joys of bodily changes, November, 2005 Link

Family Feud
Host: Animal that starts with an 'R'.
Contestant: Orangutan. But I think it starts with an 'A'.

Contestant, on Family Feud, December 8, 2005 Link

Discussing the potential winner on The Apprentice
I think either Token or Jimmy will win.

Nick. South Park vs. The Apprentice, November, 2005 Link

I've got tall brothers, I'm used to having my knees behind my ears.

Anon. Not what she meant... really..., August, 2005 Link

Topic: Masturbation In The Shower.
Idiot 1: I beat off in the shower pretty much every time.
Idiot 2: I do that maybe once or twice a year.
Idiot 1: What?!?!?!? Soap is such a slut.

Anon 1 and 2. I really, really didn't need to hear this conversation, July, 2005 Link

You did a bad job of handling the group dynamics of the situation. I threw a nuclear bomb into the room but you didn't diffuse it quickly enough.

Nick, Paraphrasing, June 08, 2005 Link

Nick: My coworker's daughter just won the Miss Universe pageant. Anyone want me to set them up?
Daniel: Do you have reason to believe Natalie Glebova is completely single? If so, then yes, I would like you to try to set me up with her. (N/2)+7, unless it's Miss Universe. That's my new rule.
Jim: My rule remains: == (N/2) + 7
...
Daniel: Maybe your offer was a joke. But just to be clear: I'm serious. If Natalie comes to town and her Dad wants to have someone take her around, I'm there.
Nick: I figured you would be.... more quote fodder...
Daniel: I'd prefer that you only quote today's email if you are also going to approach Slezin.
Nick: Deal.

1° Of Separation. She's Canadian too, June 01, 2005 Link

Everyone is getting pregnant all around me... and I don't have a kid... I just have you... so you just have to deal.

MWW, tick, tock, tick, tock, March 08, 2005 Link

Nick (Calling): "Load The Boat"
Dancer: What was that call? I heard "Blow The Beaus"

Square dancer who's either horny or deaf (apparently, I need to enunciate better), March 7, 2005 Link

Me: Massages Dina's back Why do you have so many knots?
Dina: I'm bitchy lately. It's a full body experience.

Tense, March 3, 2005 Link

Me: Couple have a room at the inn because they're bringing the baby.
Me: Hmmm... maybe Dina and I could have a kid to get a room.
Someone: Sarcasm Great reason.

Another straw on the camel's back, March 2, 2005 Link

Female: Is "fellatrix" really a word?
Male: Yes.
Female: Like, I could use it in Scrabble?
Male: Uhm...

Word games, March 1, 2005 Link

X: I'd prefer not to be at group outings with B
Nick: Helpful Just sit at the other end of the table.
X: I don't need your sarcasm.
Nick: That wasn't sarcasm, that was helpful. Sarcasm would have been more along the lines of "Sit beside him."
X: No. That was sarcasm.
Andy: What would suggesting sitting on his lap be then?
Nick: It's what I should have said, since I'm getting a raft of shit no matter what I say.

Andy lending a hand, Nick apparently needing to lift his sarcasm a notch, February 8, 2005 Link

If you trace out 'penises' in a trail of slime you get an O.

Marc Tanner, January 16, 2005 Link

Jim's friends discuss some of Jim's ... interesting... purchases.
Dan: Microfiche reader.
Sean: Keymaker.
Smooth: Soda machine. I can play this game for a while.

Jim's Friends, January 2, 2005 Link

So, I have my annual dumb question. Is the thing in the fridge labeled Nick & Dina's wedding cake really Nick & Dina's wedding cake?

Jim, December 31, 2004 Link

A: whine Why are you hurting me now?
B: thinks You mean I can hurt you later?
A: thinks With proper equipment, maybe...

Anon, November 16, 2004 Link

She needs a Russian who needs to stay in the country. She needs a 'Mail-Order Fucker'.

MWW, October 30, 2004 Link

If you told Americans that you could get salmonella from a gas pump, full service would skyrocket.

Dan, October 11, 2004 Link

I walked in at 11:30. I walked out at noon with a job and a hangover.

MWW, October 5, 2004 Link

I appreciate Sarah. She calls a spade a spade. _____ calls a spade whatever she feels like calling it at the moment.

Nick, who likes blunt people, July 12, 2004 Link

I'm not a people person, I just play one in public sometimes.

Nick, explaining himself to others who don't get it, July, 2004 Link

You're all just toys in my toy-chest.

Erin, teaching Nick what to say to people who accuse him of flirting, June 30, 2004 Link

I've got to go down on Kirk Cameron.

Jim, voting at Celebrities, or fantasizing, your call, May 19, 2004 Link

Work Email Discussion
Nick: ty...
Craig: A thought: You know you are terse when your ellipses are longer than your message.

Craig, another ellipses basher, April 16 2004 Link

Jim, sometimes I want to run your life.
...
If you're going to throw away money, the least you could do is buy me a handbag.

Yumi, watching the Jim Show, April 17 2004 Link

She's like an underwire. Sometimes she digs into you, but she's very supportive.

Jim, simile, April 7 2004 Link

I've never been willing to put in a 6th bet with undercards before...

Jim, re-raising, April 4 2004 Link

Coworker: Should I put this information in the database?
Nick: No, you should put it somewhere safe.

Nick, please please please can we upgrade our database wetware, April 1 2004 Link

I communiquate... dammit.

Sarah, the best defense is a good offense, The Ides Of March 2004 Link

It was a rhetorical "bite me", not an invitation.

Lauren, learning that rhetorical around Nick isn't always a good idea, The Ides Of March 2004 Link

Nick: Do you ever drink in moderation?
Smooth: Eh, I don't see the point.

Smooth, no middle ground, thanks to Sheffi, February 9 2004 Link

Marc: punches Dina Yellow punch-buggy, no punch backs.
Dina: punches Marc Screw you and your stupid rules!

Dina coloring outside the lines, February 29 2004 Link


Female: I'm trying to say thank you here.
Male: Your lips are moving, but they're not near my penis.

Anonymous couple, flirting, February 2004 Link

Mr. D'Avirro: I haven't rear-ended anyone.
Dina: Yeah? I haven't hit a lamp post.
Mrs. D'Avirro: Dina's better at driving. She can hit moving targets.

Why did I get in the car?, February 2004 Link

Alma: It's more fun making fun of Indians.
Jim: Dots or feathers?

Boujelais Nouveau 2003 speaking through Jim and Alma, December 2003 Link

It'd be like you roll a d10 when you drink...

MIT Geek, what do you expect?, December 2003 Link

A: Italians talk with their hands a lot.
B: Name one ethnic group that doesn't talk with their hands.
Nick: Quadriplegics.
A: That's not an ethnic group.
B: I'm laughing, but I'm ashamed that I'm laughing.

Nick, no filter, December 2003 Link

DanB >>> Just a reminder that all performance reviews should be completed by 
DanB >>> tomorrow night. If you have any questions feel free to ask me....

Nick >> QuestionMy standard "If you have a question question.": If Fred Flintstone *knew* the ribs would make his
Nick >> car tip over, do you think he would have ordered them anyway?

DanB > Fred gets a 1 for Expertise but a 4 for Drive.

DanB, corporate guidance, December 2003 Link

Life is miserable when the grass is greener in infinitely many other pastures.

Nick, information overload, November 2003 Link

I believe in Karma...
... at the very least, in self-defense.

Nick, hoping for the best, November 2003 Link

Dina: There's a whole contingency of people who...
word choice discussion ensues
Marc: Don't worry, we understand Dinish.

Marc, understanding, October 2003 Link

If you're dyslexic and you know it, cland your haps.

Marc, what's "PC", October 2003 Link

He's the Forrest Gump of coding.

Josh, pigeonholing at its best, September 26 2003 Link

I have a question: Why is Jeff wearing cute short white little cheerleader girly-girl socks?

Dina, trying to get Smooth and Nick to stop discussing work, September 26 2003 Link

Smooth: You don't have to mathematically harass me!
Yumi: <deadpan>Yeah, it's the cruelest harassment of them all.</deadpan>

Smooth takes his lumps, September 26 2003 Link

Nick: I love watching people wrestle with booleans
If Not rsItems.EOF Then
    ItemExists = True
 
    If ItemExists = True Then
        ItemFlag = True
    End If
End If

Coworker 1: Maybe it's better that we don't get "svn blame" right away then. I often "don't want to know" who wrote some of these coding horrors. :)
Coworker 2: Well, we could always do: "Variable names changed to protect the innocent." :-)
Nick: I change variable names before posting these. Doesn't stop you from using regular expressions to match the general pattern of horror though.
Coworker 2: "using regular expressions to match the general pattern of horror"
Just by itself, this is a very cool phrase. Too long for a rock band name, but I like it.

Coworkers and I, September 2003 Link

Anon: Ugh! I'm feeling more and more like Carl lately.
Nick: Don't worry. You're not like Carl.
Anon: Warn me before I start being like Carl.
...
Anon: A shotgun shell through my forehead is warning enough.

Anonymous, feeling nerdatistical, August 2003 Link

You must be thisErin places hand very slightly above her head. tall to enjoy this ride.

Erin, describing the height facet of her desired phenotype, August 2003 Link

Being either quick to take insult, or quick to give insult is bad enough.
Being both is hypocritical.

Nick, August 2003 Link

It wasn't a steel-belted sweater.

Anonymous, oggling, June 2003 Link

Nick: Using some caricature builder We couldn't make a decent caricature of Dina.
Jim: What, no tits?

Jim, no filter, June 2003 Link

Wow, we've been married for two years
I wonder how many people are losing bets right now.

Dina, wondering who had faith in us, June 8 2003 Link

AndyD >>> About complaining: A wise young man once said to me, 
AndyD >>> Don't complain about everything or they will stop listening.

Nick >> Did I say that by any chance.

AndyD > I didn't think you would remember it.
AndyD > But yes you did, and it's good advice.

Nick, can't remember my own wisdom, May 2003 Link

Nick: to Dina Your breasts jiggle when you do that.
Jim: For many values of that.

Jim, noting the obvious, May 2003 Link

Dan gets bet out of a pot.
Dan grabs tweezers that are lying around due to an earlier splinter.
Excuse me while I jack off.

Dan, at the poker table, April 2003 Link

Nick: You have bigger balls and better poker skills than I do to play at the $20-40 game.
AndyL: I'm just venting some winnings I've been accumulating.
Nick: Jim resents that.

Nick, within earshot of Jim, April 2003 Link

Player 1: I'm cashing out, I need some racks.
Player 2: You don't need a couple of racks, you need a rack.

Player 2, noticing that Player 1 has cratered in the last little while, April 2003 Link

3, no kicker.

Jim, about someone playing 23 suited, which hits a 3 on board, April 2003 Link

It's back to white collar jail for me...

Nick, dreading the fact that I have to spend the day bored in my cube, April 2003 Link

Someone: <surprise>Nick's kicking ass at Outburst.</surprise>
Nick: Of course I'm kicking ass, it's a game about spouting out crap that comes to mind as quickly as you can.
Dina: But you have to spout relevant crap.

Dina, gee, thanks, April 2003 Link

Erin: Have you seen the BBC version of Sense and Sensibility
Jim: Twice.

Jim, best comedic timing and voice dripping with sarcasm, April 2003 Link

Nick: We're not too busy since we're not having a release shoved up our... uhm...
TomC: pipeline
NeilW: We like to keep our pipeline going one way.

Colleagues, getting more and more cynical, March 2003 Link

Nick>> I will be in Ft.-Collins, Colorado visiting a friend from 
Nick>> Saturday, March 29th, to Tuesday, April 1st inclusive.

Nick>> If anyone wants any souvenirs tell me by tomorrow...
Nick>> sorry, can't bring back any fresh powder...

TomC> Oh, good, that's "Colorado", not "Colombia".

TomC, got powder?, March 2003 Link

Love at first type.

Friend, trying to understand match.com, March 2003Yes, it's been said before (google it). Still cute. Link

Nick: I hope we don't get RIM'd today for TRAKRS.
Jim: A day we only get rimmed is a good day.

Nick, forgetting that besides "Retail Information Memo", RIM means something else, March 2003 Link

On average, for every ten years, seven of those years are good for investing, and three are bad. We've had three bad years for investing, so the next few should be good.

Amex Financial Consultant, with a tenuous grasp on the "law" of averages, March 2003 Link

Dina: I can't get rid of my headache.
Nick: You married your headache.

Nick, commiserating with Dina, March 2003 Link

Dan: The lights on that truck were bright-ass. Hmmm... it's weird that "ass" is used at the end of a sentence to denote "very".
Brian: Ass is an adverb.

Tired friends, teaching me English, March 2003 Link

AndyL: If I go to Vegas, I want to play the some-term slots.
Nick: What are those?
AndyL: They have a progressive jackpot... it's like the lottery... which is weird, because I don't play the lottery here...
Nick: Math is different in Vegas.

Nick, putting my degree to use, March 2003 Link

Jim plays two stylesof poker loose, and "getting good cards".

Nick, writing the manual of Jim, March 2003 Link

Oh yeah, and Dick Cheney is a hottie.

Anonymous hungover card-carrying liberal, Mar 2003 Link

Nick: We weren't our usual inquisitive selves though...
    ... we (i.e., I) kept my mouth shut.
Friend: Wow. Radio silence from the Cambridge Inquisition?
    Now, how much is it worth to you for me to keep that little secret?

Anonymous, you can't win for losing, as my dad used to say, Mar 2003 Link

Honey, I don't think it's the jeans.

Jim, proving to me that there is a worse answer than "Yes." to the question "Do these jeans make me look fat?", February 2003 Link

[16:18:40] *** NOTE: An existing SecureIM session exists with user Smooth.
Smooth: yo
Smooth: i'm seeing how many Nalgenes i can drink without peeing
Nick: You're a nutcase...
Smooth: i am at 2.25
Nick: Any particular reason???
Smooth: boredom
Smooth: man, i gotta go
Smooth: the bar is set at 2.5 nalgenes
Smooth: i challenge anyone here to a water-drinking contest

Smooth, boredom brings out the best in you, February 2003 Link

If you can measure it, I'll compete.

Jim, in response to Smooth, above, February 2003 Link

Brian: Ordering food for delivery at Stefanni's, his normal place
    I want 1 salad your way, and 4 salads my way.
Stefanni's doesn't understand the order
Brian: I want 1 salad the way you normally make them, and 4 salads the way I like them.
Stefanni's still doesn't understand the order
Brian: I want 1 normal salad, and 4 salads with feta cheese on top.
Nick: Brian's cookie expired.

Nick, way too much of a geek, February 2003 Link

Jim: If it takes Jim 4 hours to accomplish Task A,
Dan: and it takes Dan 4 hours to accomplish Task A,
   how long does it take them to accomplish Task A working together?
Jim & Dan: 8 hours!

Jim & Dan, oldie but goodie, long time ago Link

Jim: If Jim sits on a see-saw 8 feet from the center,
Dan: and Dan sits on a see-saw 6 feed from the center,
   which one of them is on the ground?
Jim & Dan: Both of them!

Jim & Dan, oldie but goodie, long time ago Link

I've had screensavers that were more interactive.

Jim, after feeding our fish for a week, February 2003 Link

Sometimes my thoughts have a hard time getting through all this hair.

Dina, undoing the corn-rows from the Caribbean, February 2003 Link

I could go home and work on my RSI.

HB, playing too much CounterStrike... or so he claims. while his wife's out of town, February 2003 Link

I'm going to eat something warm and salty when I get home.

Daniel, turning down offered food, February 2003 Link

Nick: strings together some words
Jim: Nick speaks 4 languages: English, French, Italian, and Nick.
...
Jim: He's fluent... but not conversant.
...
Various: analyze possible outcomes at Medici, a board game
Jim: [this] will happen... unless Nick goes into Nick mode and doesn't bid.

Jim, I'm not really that bad, am I?, February 2003 Link

There should be enough pizza today for everyone.

Anonymous colleague, gallows humour, noting that we ordered the same number of pizzas on FridayFriday is pizza for lunch day. We lost about 25% of our people on Wednesday., February 2003 Link

Smooth: What are you doing?
Nick: HTML prototyping.
Smooth: Aren't you glad you went to college?

Smooth, Johns Hopkins, Concordia, MIT, McGill, WTF cares?, February 2003 Link

Nick: Jordan's Furniture will deliver our chest on Saturday.
Dina: big chest... I finally have competition

Dina, flaunt it if you've got it, February 2003 Link

Time to take out the white fat and let it burn.

tourist in Barbados, while taking off his shirt, February 2003 Link

> From: Nick Varacalli 
> To: Various Friends
> Subject: Anyone Want Anything From The Caribbean?
> Date: Thu, 30 Jan 2003 23:52:55 -0500
>
> If you want something, email me by Friday evening,
> and we will attempt to comply.
>
> Nick

Well that was a quick 6 weeks. Are you out of there for good?

Anonymous, with a dim view of consulting, February 2003 Link

Session Start (AIM - Nick:Brian): Tue Jan 28 16:11:57 2003
Brian: Hey, Nick... I'm considering buying a widget. Do you have any suggestions?
Nick: Ask Jim if he'll sell you a used one cheap.
Brian: Why, does he have them in excess?
Nick: Normally, most computer problems boil down to 0, 1, or N.
Nick: Jim normally skips the "1" case.
Brian: OK, he has N. Got it.
Nick: So, you have to ask yourself, does Jim own a widget... if he does, he owns many.
Brian: OK, so... let's me follow this process.
Brian: For any "X", where "X" is a reasonably cool device
Brian: If you ask yourself, "Does Jim own an "X"?", the answer is almost certainly "yes'
Brian: But since Jim does not own one of anything, Jim owns multiple...
Brian: So, anything I want to buy anything, I should just write to Jim?
Brian: (Frighteningly, this is probably true, and I should have realized it before.)
Nick: Yes.
Brian: OK, got it. Thanks. My pizza just got here, so I should go eat.
Nick: Although, you do have specialized hobbies such as gaming that do not apply... have fun eating... you're getting quoted on that.
Brian: Quoted on what?
Brian: "My pizza just got here, so I should go eat"?
Brian: Or, "I should just write to Jim?"
Nick: Jim.
Brian: OK. Because the other one wasn't very original. See ya!

Brian and I, know your friends, January 2003 Link

Session Start (AIM - Nick:Dave): Wed Jan 22 15:01:08 2003
Dave: i was saying to jen and she agreed that it must be like a complete mental vacation since all you're thinking about is solving the problems/puzzles
Nick: Yes... work is definitely a mental vacation compared to the hunt...
Dave: hmmmm... not quite what I meant.

Nick, working out my brain, January 2003 Link

That's why we're "colleagues". We can't call ourselves co-workers... the chances that two of us would be working at the same time are next to nil.

Nick, January 2003 Link

i'm so confused! and I'm not even blonde anymore! :)

Anonymous blonde female, now with flaming red hairmmm..., January 2003 Link

I wouldn't even know who to quit to.

Anonymous, January 2003 Link

Nick: I don't know Java.
Younger Colleague: Do you have a computer science background? Didn't you learn Java in college?

Anonymous colleague, making Nick feel oldJava was announced on May 23rd, 1995., January 2003 Link

Nick: in a grumpy but self-aware mood Aren't you happy you're not married to me?
Jim: I don't think of that every day, but every day I do think of it, I thank my lucky stars.

Jim, he must appreciate me in different ways, I'm sure, January 2003 Link

Nick: Want something to drink Brian?
Brian: Do you have something fruity and not diet?
Nick: Orange juice?
Brian: That's diet.

Brian "if it's green" Hanechak, January 2003 Link

Dina: with sore throat What, do you not want me to be able to speak for a month?
Jim: Danger Nick, Danger. Don't answer that question. As your bachelor advisor, I recommend that you not answer that question.

Jim, looking out for me, December 2002 Link

If you put that in your fucking blog, I'm going to kick your ass right now.

Dina, teaching me the dangers of typing while she speaks, December 2002 Link

Jim: What did you put in my fridge that's labeled "Nick & Dina's wedding cake"?
Nick: Our wedding cake.

Jim, obviously not the obvious, December 2002 Link

Nick: I had to teach Dina something about the car today. I feel like a man now.
    Ugh. flexes biceps
laughter from Dina and Sean ensues
Sean: What? A new vaccuum attachment?

Nick, Dina, and my wonderful friend Sean, December 2002 Link

Nick: Her body type is more like Dina's, so she's not quite Jim's body type.
Erin: I thought Jim's body type was "easy".

Erin helps us make sense of Jim, December 2002 Link

I want to know the definition of stomach acid.

Stacy McGeever, Arguing chemical composition with Jim SokoloffJim won a bet on this. Stacy was suitably humiliated., December 22 1999 Link

It looks like things are a little bit too complicated in TGA.

Willard Korfhage, Monday morning dev meeting, January 7 2000 Link

Oops: I think I have the "Greer wishes you a cheery good morning"This is how Greer, our development conductor, would open our weekly Monday morning meeting. hard-coded.

Nick Varacalli, While working on the "VSS Jargon Bingo" spreadsheet, March 20 2000 Link

Absence of universal hatred.

Satish Pai, In response to the question: "What does ITG need in a version control system?", March 20 2000 Link

Whether the glass is half full or half empty, it's still half.

Greer Swiston, On the current QA situation in ITG, whether the previous infrastructure was good or bad, May 8 2000 Link

At this time, systems does not provide lavatory support.

Gurdon Merchant, Remarking on the P-Touch labels on the stalls, December 21 2000 Link

I spent 10 minutes this morning going over at least 30 cards, all of which were way too sappy for my relatively-short relationship. I mean, isn't there a middle ground between "you bring meaning into my otherwise shallow, soul-less life" and "your name again is ...?" This is almost enough to make me stop shopping at Walgreens.

David Marshall, On buying Valentines cards, February 14 2001 Link

I'm back to thinking pole dancing would have been a better career choice...

An anonymous Hopewell friend, August 8 2001 Link

[It's] another "I'm probably not appreciating this fully since I'm not on drugs" Flash site.

Jeff Yaus, Jeff surfs the web, August 30 2001 Link

Really? You did that?

Shuen Wong, Response to Dan's silly note that he pushed his car to the top floor of the garage, by hand, and had it air-lifted to a repair shop, May 9 2002 Link

Don't apply that logic to Merrill Lynch, 'cause it's not going to happen.

Neil Wheaton, Overheard while Neil was speaking with Nick, June 26 2002 Link

I don't have any weddings to attend this weekend. If one arises, please page me at 888-MERRIL-0.

Dan Barrett, After 3 emails to 201-broadway, from 3 separate people, saying they'll be away at weddings, September 5 2002 Link

Looks like progress, although I don't think "Messenger, Global (GTS)" can be filtered...

Mark Andersen, In response to GTS's email announcement of a corporate spam filter, October 23 2002 Link

Part of what I will miss most about this office is our rapid-response time with snarkiness, cynicism, and/or refutations.

Jeff Yaus, In response to a snarky email, November 19 2002 Link

I didn't bother to create one, because I knew it was your code. If you insist on being wussy, I'll create one...

Tom Bahr, Why Tom didn't create a TestTrack category for my application, November 20 2002 Link

I really need more space, but I'm not sure where to put it.

Neil Wheaton, Very deep, December 20 2002 Link

Jim: Wow, HB talks to EmmaHB's pre-school daughter almost as if she's an adult.
Dan: Hey! He used to talk to me like that when I worked for him.

Dan, coming to grips with HB's management techniques, December 2002 Link

The thing that wasn't realistic... ... what am I saying?

HB, discussing The Lord Of The Rings movie, December 2002 Link

Does someone know the zip-code for Hell? I need to enter it on weather.com to check the temperature.

Jim, after Smooth's highly improbable question, November 2002 Link

Late high school / early college kids get on train.
Nick: Are these people even old enough to drool over?
Anon: They're half-baked eye-candy.

Anonymous friend, October 2002 Link

Hi, I'm Jim, this is Nick, that's Josh... We'll be your Dan for the next 3 months.

Jim, prognosticating, October 2002 Link

Josh, you don't know what big is... ... ... ...
when it comes to apples.

Andrea, Josh's SO, while apple picking, October 2002 Link

Well, there's one potential advantage of getting laid off...

Jim, looking at the bright side of things, October 2002 Link

HB: I don't multitask well.
Brian: Yes you do, you just use large timeslices.

My geeky friends, October 2002 Link

Randall: [going through my] mid-life crisis
Brian: Isn't it a bit late for that?

A rare glimpse of Brian off the top rope, October 2002 Link

I have to go see my boss' mother-in-law naked tomorrow.

anonymous lawyer, September 2002 Link

I've never seen anyone baste an egg before.

American, observing authentic Italian cooking, September 2002 Link

Hi, my name is Jim, and I'll be your Kramer this year.

Jim, on "Geeks", September 2002 Link

Nick: Covertly reads email over friend's shoulder.
Email: ... I can't write more. I'm using Nick & Dina's computer, and they're a bit nosy.
Nick: We're not nosy.
Jim: Bastard!

Nick, September 2002 Link

Stacy: I should also tell you this, in case I get blown up by a bus...
Nick: Blown up by a bus?
Randall: Or run over by a bomb.
Neil: Or mixed by a metaphor.

Coworkers, September 2002 Link

Nick: Hey Josh, can you touch your elbows behind your back?
Josh: tries No.
Over-competitive Female: also tries I can't either.
adolescent laughter ensues.

Nick, honing my poker skills, 2001 Link

We're not above hating our co-workers!

Anonymous, September 2002 Link

Noémi: in tent I can't find one of my socks.
Marc: Coup donc, how big is your tent?!?
Noémi: Now I can't find my shoe.
Christian: Try looking in the basement.

Canoe campers, September 2002 Link

We kill me.

Dan, after another snide "reply all" from someone else, August 2002 Link

cough I can still cough smoke cough you cough know cough I'm not cough I'm not cough ninety-cough five cough.

Anonymous, August 2002 Link

"Fake Freeze Dates"Dates we ares supposed to code/feature freeze on, but know marketing business will blow through. are now called "Frost Warnings".

The two idiots in the corner office, August 2002 Link

These are not new features. These features were just originally overlooked.

Marketing, two weeks after a frost warning, August 2002 Link

Nick, I was so bored yesterday that I read your web site.

Shauna, August 21 2002 Link

Nick: The lighting in the casino was bad, I was having problems telling the suits apart based on colour.
Jim: Yeah, my tip off was when I had suited eights.

Jim, Atlantic City Trip, August 11 2002 Link

Nick: Friend would like to date chick.
Dina: Why would friend want to do that?
Nick: Well, chick is intelligent, has a nice personality, and, lately, looks really hot.
Dina: By "nice personality" do you mean "nice personality" or "nice rack"?

Dina & I, August 5 2002 Link

Male A: employee must be hot. She's too dumb for our company to have hired her for her brains.
Male B: Let's assume that all the dumb people we work with remotely are hot. Mmmm.
...
Male A: Wow employee is really dumb. She must have interviewed in this.
...
Female C: Y'know, maybe she's just good at giving blow jobs.

Amalgamated anon, July 2002 Link

Playing Pictionary, Nick draws
Player A: Man, Black Man.
Player B: Africa, South Africa.
Player C: Apartheid.
Player D: Norman Mandela.

Anonymous, July 27 2002 Link

Playing Taboo
Cluer: A means of locomotion in the water.
Guesser: Rickshaw!
round ends
Opposite Team: So what was the answer for locomotion in water?
Cluer: "Breast Stroke".
Pig 1: Hmmm... I would have come up with different words for Breast Stroke.
Cluer: What does a rickshaw have to do with water?
Pig 2: So I was out with my date, rickshawing her real good...

Various, July 27 2002 Link

Gamer 1: I like Funkenschlag. It's very deep and requires lots of thought.
Nick: Interesting that you say that as I reach into my pocket for a quarter to use as a decision making tool

Nick, July 21 2002, 02:45 Link

If that ends up on your web page I'm going to slap the shit out of you

Anonymous, after yet another juicy line that I wish I could quote here, 2002 Link

Dina: He never recognizes me. He always remembers you though.
Nick: I think he's gay.
Dina: He's not gay. He's French

Dina, 2002 Link

Friend: What's his name at work is in shape.
Nick: Yeah. He used to run double marathons.
Friend: What's a double marathon?
Nick: 2 times the distance of a marathon. Slightly over 50 miles.
Dina: I don't even like driving that far anymore

Dina, 2002 Link

I'm not getting paid as much this year, so I don't have to work as hard

Anonymous coworker, 2002 Link

They're the jellyfish of dating: poisonous & spineless

Nick, general evilness, 2002 Link

I didn't like the movie enough to buy it, unless they come out with the "director's-more-has-been-cut".

Nick, commenting on the fact that Le Pacte Des Loups needed some serious editing, 2002 Link

Nick: D. got into a car accident yesterday.
...
Idiot 1: DWF?
Nick & Idiot 3: No, DWD.

Various coworkers, 2002 Link

Pets.com. Because pets can't write a business plan.

Dan, quoting D"BG"S, unknowingly predicting the collapse of the tech stock bubble, 2002 Link

Don't throw meat at the furniture!

Admonition heard at our XMas family gathering, 2001 Link

We X until we Y.

Topic statement for various stories, 2001 Link

Amateur driver on open road.

Nick, from CT to RI, 2001 Link

Friends don't let friends GreenBuild.

Many anonymous snarky co-workers, 2001 Link

It's good that Dina misses me. I wish she had a penis though.

Anonymous heterosexual female, 2001 Link

I never get hurt on a Darwinian scale... just Pavlov would be disappointed.

Dina, 2001 Link

I don't have an inner light. Maybe I just have an inner black hole.

Dina, 2001 Link